Dreaming, I should make that clear. The time of day, I’m not certain though I have a sense it was mid morning. It was 19 January 2021. I’m in an untidy room, sleeping on the same side of the double bed I always do; a single would be enough, maybe even better.

This is mostly a blind dream, conducted in speech, yet I have an understanding of physical orientations, bodies, without having visual information you’d expect was necessary for the awareness I had. Another sense alert.

We were sitting next to each other, you on my left. My brother is sitting to my right. There is no distance between us, we are shoulder to shoulder.

I am content by your side, I feel it’s where I like to be. Then disruption of my peace, my brother, assertive, almost cockily, reveals an intention to sit beside you. He is now standing, he’s cajoling, using a hurrying tactic of persuasion “come on, shift over” like it is the most normal thing to be demanding, as if it would be impolite of me to think any otherwise, as a hand on my shoulder encourages me in the direction of the seating place he formerly held. I’m flummoxed. I don’t want to move. I don’t like what’s happening, how it is being done. But I don’t feel angry. I doubt myself too much to be angry. I don’t understand what’s happening. Protesting might cause offence. So before I can compose my thoughts, I have shuffled along and my brother is now sitting at your side, giving kisses to you. You reciprocate in a way just beyond passive, also confused.

There’s barely a second passes till the narrative moves on, although the language suggests more has happened. Time unlinear. There is a crudity in my bothers speech, boastful. Now I do raise an objection and the reply has stayed in my thoughts today. He said he treated you well, as you deserve, and as I wasn’t then he did.

I’ve thought on that response several times today. And I see the element of truth in it.

There was more to the dream, the part that inspired these notes. A part that does include a visual sense. At first it’s dark, there someone too close to my eyes to see anything, but I do know you are there, nearby, just obscured. How do I describe the longing I feel. It’s the same as I usually feel. Not sexual, it’s emotional. There are elements of sadness, pining, most of all yearning for reconciliation. I’m aware you’re not talking to me. I yawn, The figure obscuring the view of you moves away. I see you now. You are yawning, almost identical movements.

I search your face. You look so sad.

Are you sad? How are you? I wish I were there for you.